Press Office
Darren Horsnell joined the Royal Artillery aged 17 and saw military service in Northern Ireland and the Falklands. He discovered a talent for painting through art therapy at Tyrwhitt House, the charity's Surrey treatment centre. He is now taking commissions and selling his work through his website: www.origin-oils.com.
"It was Northern Ireland where I discovered what being a soldier would really mean.
"My first tour of duty was in 1980. It was the time when Bobby Sands was on hunger strike. Out on patrols you soon learnt that it was psychological warfare as much as anything else. The fear and stress that you were under on the streets was very intense. You never knew what you might face around the next corner. It could be a roadside bomb, a petrol bomb or a sniper – or just kids trying to get a reaction, goaded on by press photographers. And when you lose a comrade or hear of an ambush it changes you for life.
"After more tours in Northern Ireland and a spell of UN peacekeeping in Cyprus I found myself in the Falklands with the 4th Field Regiment Royal Artillery. We helped secure the beach head at Bluff Cove and unload supplies. Later I was ahead of the guns directing the artillery fire. You never forget the flashes and the noise and the devastation that is just yards away from you.
"And there are some images that never leave me. There were 250 Argentinian soldiers we had captured. One was crying and the tears were almost freezing on his face. I knew I shouldn't have made eye contact with him. They were just young conscripts who didn't want to be there. I have a recurring dream of seeing that boy and can still wake up sweating and upset by the memory.
"Later in the conflict I received a bayonet wound and went to the army field hospital at Ajax Bay. What I saw there was very disturbing. Soldiers screaming in pain. Burns, gunshot wounds, massive shrapnel wounds and amputees. The images never leave you. A man was lying dead two feet in front of me when I arrived.
"There were other postings after the Falklands and that was when things started to go wrong for me.
"On exercises it could all come back to me and I could be physically sick at hearing a gun go off. I knew other comrades who were having the same problem but we all knew it would end our careers if we spoke about it.
"My wife was feeling the stress of it all as well. I was becoming a different person and she had two nervous breakdowns during that time.
"In 1984 I was stationed at Woolwich Barracks when an IRA bomb went off. There was screaming and shouting. There were wives and children nearby. I was found in the rubble. Not surprisingly, my wife was left traumatised by this event and she gave an ultimatum. Either she would leave me or I had to leave the army.
"I found it very hard to find my way in civilian life. I wasn't used to having to look after myself and do all the things that the army did for you. And I didn't think I had much to offer. I became a driver but after 3 or 4 years I began to suffer from mood swings. I started drinking and would become short tempered and violent. I had a string of jobs I was sacked from. I tried to re-enlist but the signs of PTSD were clearly there and I was refused.
"I felt very neglected and very alone. Things got worse. I really did turn into another person. In the end I was put into a mental hospital.
"It was my wife who helped put me in touch with Combat Stress but it was a long time before I agreed to be assessed. When I finally was assessed they said I had chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I was entitled to six weeks' residential therapy a year.
"Honest to God, Combat Stress saved my life. I wouldn't be here now without them. All the staff at Tywhitt House [Combat Stress's Surrey treatment centre] are worth their weight in gold. They really care and are so dedicated.
"They certainly saved my relationship with my children and helped me to secure a war pension although that took seven years to finally come through.
"Painting has become so important for me. But I had no background in it before. Certainly not at school! As a soldier I never noticed nature (the trees, the sky, the rain) the way I do now.
"It was during my second year that I went to an art therapy session. I was encouraged to draw whatever came into my head and I drew birds of paradise. One in full colour, the other very dark. I realised how it was reflecting both sides of my character. Kay Siggery, the Activities Centre Manager, was very supportive and encouraged me to do more. I started drawing a picture of leopards but I became frustrated and dissatisfied with it and threw it away. Kay retrieved it from the rubbish bin and encouraged me to finish it. Kay just kept encouraging me to keep going with art and use it to express my self-worth and calm down the trauma I was living with.
"After three years of coming to Combat Stress I started painting at home too. Before that I had only felt able to paint within the security of being at Combat Stress. Kay always gives me an honest opinion about the paintings. I started selling some to friends at Combat Stress. I used to give them away but then I realised I needed to charge something just to cover the costs of the materials. Now before they are even finished people say they want them. I'm not very good at saying what they are worth.
"My friend Tracy has now set up a website for me to sell my pictures and encourage commissions. I like to paint animal pictures and people like to have portraits of their pets.
"I met Prince Charles when he came to the centre and he looked at the pictures and I had a chat with him. He's an artist too of course. It was the first time that I had worn my military medals since I had left the army. I had finally felt good about having them."
